Mom, I'm Upset; Can We Talk Soon?
This story is about Maggie. It is not her real name, but you may find that there are similarities to someone you know or maybe even yourself if you are a young woman who is expecting a baby now.
Maggie went today to her local drug store to pick up another pregnancy test. She took a test a week ago and she could hardly believe what she saw. Two lines! Maybe it was a false positive! She decided to wait a week and see what happened next. So now she waits nervously. What will her test result show this time? As she picks up the test and checks the result, she again sees two lines! "Oh no", she says out loud.
Both of her parents are at work right now so nobody hears her cry. You see, Maggie's parents raised her in church. She was a faithful member of her youth group and involved in many community and high school programs. She had goals to go to college and major in the sciences. Specifically, she wanted to go to Nursing School. What does this mean now, though?
One night, she and her boyfriend got intimate. Their hormones were raging and they did not stop and consider what they were doing and the potential consequences.
The Thoughts In Maggie's Mind
Maggie's mind is racing!
What will her parents think? How will they react?
How will she possibly handle the conversation that she knows she must have with her parents? She decides that she'll talk with her mom first; but she thinks "What can I possibly say to Mom and how is she going to react?"
Maggie is going to have a mother and daughter conversation, woman to woman. She will start the conversation with "Mom, I'm upset, can we talk soon?". Then, she will have this discussion with both of her parents because they need to make some decisions.
She knows that her parents will be disappointed. She knows that that she did not hold to the values that they taught her. The fact that she is pregnant, young and unmarried will likely illicit all kinds of questions that she doesn't have answers for. She doesn't want to have those hard conversations, but she doesn't know what to expect and what she may soon experience as a newly pregnant, first time young mother.
Things Will Change
The more Maggie thinks about her situation, the more overwhelmed she is becoming! What's going to happen with her goals? Her plans?
She is going to have to find childcare for her baby while she is in school or work. Having a baby means extra cost such as clothing, diapers, supplies, and feeding. Then she needs to consider shots and healthcare for her baby and for herself.
Having a social life may become virtually non-existent! Maggie had lots of friends and she went out with them often; but that'll all change. There just won't be much money or time left once the baby arrives. And gone are the days when she gets to sleep in until noon after a late night with friends.
What About Bob?
Oh, and what about her boyfriend? Dad's gonna go into lecture mode! But what is this going to do to their relationship? Will they get married? Co-parent? Will he even still want her around? Will he even want to have anything to do with his child? If so, will he be a responsible father?
All of these things are weighing heavily on Maggie as she plans her encounter with her parents.
So, how can she best tell Mom, then Dad?
My Own Experience As A Mother
I wrote this article a couple of years ago when I watched one of my daughters go through similar circumstances:
"Seeing my girls hurt and struggle in life is hard! I wish that I could take these difficult situations, make them mine and solve them, but I can’t. They don’t learn if I step in and take over. I have to remind myself of this."
The Best Way To Communicate Is-Soon!
So, how can Maggie best tell her mom, or both parents at the same time? What may make this difficult discussion less stressful?
A newly pregnant girl needs to put her thoughts together well. Perhaps writing out her thoughts ahead of time will help her know what she wants to say. Maggie needs to take responsibility for herself, her decisions and her child. Those basic responsibilities won't change with time, so own them and get that out of the way quickly. In fact, it will get harder the longer she waits and her mind wanders over all of those challenges that are coming.
She should think of the best way to approach her mom and prepare herself for how her mom might respond. This is a pretty huge and life-altering situation so she needs to own her resolve to protect her baby and be strong and firm in that resolve. She should communicate that she understands the consequences of the decisions that she made thus far and will have to make from this point forward. And, give her parents time though, realizing that they may be just as shocked (and potentially disappointed) as she was. Sometimes communication is the important first step and it may not be best to make decisions on the first conversation.
Maggie needs to tell her parents as soon as possible. Let them know, we need to talk soon! And she should seek out good resources like this for how to approach that discussion. She should not drag this discussion out or this will become more and more difficult. She may start showing signs of pregnancy and the conversation will be more stressful (adding in the "why didn't you tell us?!" factor). It will be far too awkward and sudden instead of having a calmer conversation and coming up with a plan to make some decisions soon.
Maggie has had some rough discussions with her parents in the past due to a rocky relationship with them. She has also decided to have a close friend or family member at that conversation to support her when she tells her parent(s). Sometimes the additional voice in the conversation can be a calming influence to make it a little easier.
For Any New Mom
This story about Maggie is fiction. However, this very situation happens often when any young woman finds that she is now expecting a baby. She is unsure of how she will speak to a parent about her pregnancy. To summarize how she can best get through this difficult situation, she can:
Put her thoughts together ahead of time. Possibly write them down.
Think of the best way to approach her parent. Think of how her parent will respond and take responsibility for the decision she made and the consequences that she must deal with now.
Give her parent(s) time to absorb what they just heard and how they will deal with her situation.
Tell her parent(s) as soon as possible. Don't drag it out for a long period of time.